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mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1990

mobileenoph says:

Time to start a new 'Jokes' thread

Since the old one is now full of blank pages.

 

_______________________________________________

 

Best chat up line of 2011 as voted for by loose women

"I might only have a small dick but I can lick the crumb's from the bottom of a Pringles tin"  :tongue:

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  • Posted 4 years ago (26 February 2011 16:47)

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brutale r

Joined:

Dec 07

Posts: 3248

brutale r says:

how not to pillion

:lol:

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mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1990

mobileenoph says:

///

:upset:I'm writing this from my hospital bed... :upset:

 

 

 

 

 

                                 :blink:

 

 

 

 



Don't worry the doctor says I'll be fine, but I must say that Dyson Ball cleaner has a very misleading name!

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preunit

Joined:

Dec 10

Posts: 11938

preunit says:

.

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.A poor homeless man sitting there said
“I've not eaten for two days.”I told him “I wish I had your will power.”

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aehewitt

Joined:

Jan 11

Posts: 8403

aehewitt says:

...

haha ~Lis

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mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1990

mobileenoph says:

//

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

... DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”

[The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until...]

DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”?

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mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1990

mobileenoph says:

////

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the
bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.



The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high
and sets him on the counter.



He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on
the counter as well.



He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.



The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!



' Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.



The man responds by reaching into the paper bag again.



This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: Here, 'Rub it.'



So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.



'I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only
allowed one!'



The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!'



A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another.



Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep
coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Ya'know, I think your
Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million
Ducks.'



'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch
pianist?

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babyrocket

Joined:

Aug 11

Posts: 3732

babyrocket says:

ahem

One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.

"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!"

Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.

"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."

The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.

The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs, cries, laughs ...

"Why are you crying?" says the lion.

"It hurts," says the rabbit.

"And why the fuck are you laughing?" says the lion.

"I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms."

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ulsterflyer

Joined:

Jun 10

Posts: 149

ulsterflyer says:

burgers

after having one to many tesco burgers for tea last night ,i was stopped by the gardai , this moring an breathalized an tested positive for RED RUM

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ulsterflyer

Joined:

Jun 10

Posts: 149

ulsterflyer says:

burgers

i just went to the freezer to check the sell by date on the burgers AN THEY;RE OFF

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stevebaldy

Joined:

Aug 07

Posts: 6151

stevebaldy says:

........

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

 First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.  To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
 
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.  He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.  What can he do?  Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.  He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
 
He moved on to the last job, Which is to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.  He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.  By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo

He wanders up to the other lions and says 'What's the food like here?
The lions say: 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees

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