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mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1873

mobileenoph says:

Time to start a new 'Jokes' thread

Since the old one is now full of blank pages.

 

_______________________________________________

 

Best chat up line of 2011 as voted for by loose women

"I might only have a small dick but I can lick the crumb's from the bottom of a Pringles tin"  :tongue:

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  • Posted 3 years ago (26 February 2011 16:47)

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mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1873

mobileenoph says:

,,

"A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales ".

"Why do you think that ?" he said.

“Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says:

"stit ruoy su wohS""

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  • Posted 195 days ago (05 November 2012 17:48)
brutale r

Joined:

Dec 07

Posts: 3218

brutale r says:

Koran

A Muslim bloke I work with was saying that he had the entire Koran on DVD. Interested, I asked him to burn me a copy ... well fuck me ... then it all kicked off!!

 

A bloke has invented land mines disguised as prayer mats, sales are good, prophets are going through the roof

[This Reply has been modified by the Author]

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  • Posted 191 days ago (10 November 2012 01:07)
brutale r

Joined:

Dec 07

Posts: 3218

brutale r says:

jokes

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."
...

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
 
 
 
 
My wife is wearing one of those skirts where I can just see the edge of her bum poking out.

I'd probably find it sexy if the skirt wasn't knee length.
 

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  • Posted 187 days ago (14 November 2012 07:28)
stevebaldy

Joined:

Aug 07

Posts: 5043

stevebaldy says:

seven

wheelchair athletes have been banned from future Paralympic games after testing positive for WD40. :mellow:

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  • Posted 185 days ago (15 November 2012 19:23)
kennedydpk

Joined:

Jun 05

Posts: 642

kennedydpk says:

A nice Xmas Story..........

A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look round and find her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset as they still had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, do you remember the jewelery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelery store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it." :biggrin:

[This Reply has been modified by the Author]

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  • Posted 170 days ago (30 November 2012 22:51)
mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1873

mobileenoph says:

Mongolian V.D.


An American tourist goes on a trip to China.

While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.

A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.

Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know lit...tle about it. We have to amputate your penis."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."

"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

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  • Posted 146 days ago (24 December 2012 13:39)
Blader2005

Joined:

Dec 08

Posts: 1532

Blader2005 says:

As the wife was out...

I sat and watched a film with my youngest lad.....

after a while he snuggled in close to me and said "Daddy im scared... is that lady going to die soon?" 

to which i replied.. "I'd reckon so Son, looking at the size of that horses cock!"

:blink::wacko:

 

 

My mate has been thrown out of his 3rd school in 2 years for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job...

 i really dont think teaching is the right career for him!

 

Paddy has been arrested for punching his wife. the Judge asked him 'why do you keep beating your wife?'

paddy replies, "i think its my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork"

 

Woman goes into a record shop and says "do you have Jingle Bells on 7 inch?"

young lad says "No, but i got dangly balls on a 9 inch" 

"thats not a record is it?" woman says...

Lad says "No.. but its not fuckin bad for a 16 year old!!" 

[This Reply has been modified by the Author]

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  • Posted 146 days ago (24 December 2012 17:55)
mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1873

mobileenoph says:

50 shades

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday.
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
Oh, the sight filled me with dread.

In her hand she held a rope,
The other, held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well, forty years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn't weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn't be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer .

She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.

Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You'd know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
and, jumping back in fright, I went
And stood on her left t * t.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"

Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.

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  • Posted 137 days ago (02 January 2013 13:04)
brutale r

Joined:

Dec 07

Posts: 3218

brutale r says:

good

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  • Posted 136 days ago (03 January 2013 10:56)
kennedydpk

Joined:

Jun 05

Posts: 642

kennedydpk says:

Skint after Xmas..................

We're so skint that I had to get the wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas.

If things get any worse I may have to cancel Sky Sports. :laugh:

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  • Posted 136 days ago (04 January 2013 00:43)

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