Skip to content

General Time to start a new 'Jokes' thread Pub Talk - over 18s only

You are in... Forums > General > Pub Talk - over 18s only > Time to start a new 'Jokes' thread

Got something to say?

Got something to say?

Go to most recent reply

mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1990

mobileenoph says:

Time to start a new 'Jokes' thread

Since the old one is now full of blank pages.

 

_______________________________________________

 

Best chat up line of 2011 as voted for by loose women

"I might only have a small dick but I can lick the crumb's from the bottom of a Pringles tin"  :tongue:

Reply to this Topic  
  • Posted 4 years ago (26 February 2011 16:47)

Post a message in Pub Talk - over 18s only

Fields marked with an asterisk * are required

   

Please note. You cannot submit more than 4000 characters as a message.

Upload image(s) from your computer (up to 3 images)

  1.  
  2.  
  3.  

Terms of use

Use of our community areas and forums is subject to important terms of use. By joining our community and using the features you agree to be bound by these terms. See terms of use below. 

Cancel
mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1990

mobileenoph says:

..

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get Lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the kings underwear. The king immediately summoned Nick.

[This Reply has been modified by the Author]

Reply to this Topic
mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1990

mobileenoph says:

..

Rod Stewart has been asked to sing at Margaret Thatcher's funeral, but he has politely declined. Saying "He doesn't think the public would take kindly to him singing *Wake up Maggie*"

Reply to this Topic
mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1990

mobileenoph says:

...

Man meets a woman in a bar, :smile

He says " you remind me of my little toe":wink:

She says " is that because I'm small & cute?":smile

He reply's " No because I'm going to bang you on my coffee table later!! "  :shock:

Reply to this Topic
mobileenoph

Joined:

Jun 07

Posts: 1990

mobileenoph says:

9"

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the
bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.



The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high
and sets him on the counter.



He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on
the counter as well.



He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.



The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!



' Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.



The man responds by reaching into the paper bag again.



This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: Here, 'Rub it.'



So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.



'I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only
allowed one!'



The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!'



A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another.



Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep
coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Ya'know, I think your
Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million
Ducks.'



'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch
pianist?

Reply to this Topic
weasel64

Joined:

Mar 07

Posts: 3163

weasel64 says:

wimbledon

At Wimbledon they were thinking of putting Velcro on the outside of the courts to tell if the ball was out. However the plan failed as every 20 minutes they had to separate Serena Williams from her muff.

Reply to this Topic
weasel64

Joined:

Mar 07

Posts: 3163

weasel64 says:

at school

My English teacher always used to tell me I was really thick.

And believe me, when she's straddling you in detention after school, that's quite a compliment for a 15 year old lad. :wink:

Reply to this Topic

Compare Insurance

Save money by comparing quotes. It's quick and easy

Motorcycles for sale

 

It's only £13.99 to advertise your motorcycle on MCN

Sell your Motorcycle

Motorcycle pricing tool

New! Find used bike prices