1998 Yamaha FZS600

It’s black, loud as sin and looks as mean as cat’s piss. It runs like there is sand in the fuel tank, water in the gearbox and sponge in the brake lines. It is rusted pretty much from the front forks all the way back to the tip of the exhaust pipe (there might even be rust actually on the tyre!).

There are two repaired punctures in the rear tyre (a Bridgestone barely scrubbed in), and some road grit just trying to cause one in the front tyre (a Metzler on it’s way out).

After spending all this time commuting into London everyday, the diesel is so entrenched into the tyres, that it corners like a toddler doing a figure-of-eight with his tricycle on a frozen lake – even on a day hot enough to melt my leathers.

The running costs of the machine are so high that it makes The Millennium Dome seem like ‘bargain of the century’!

My insurance alone is three times the value of the bike – and I only have Third Party. My mechanic can barely hold back the chuckles when I push it round and ask him to be gentle with it as it is my pride and joy.

My mates borrow it when they want to sell their bikes, they put mine up the road from theirs and when the buyer comes round, he is so glad that mine is not the one he came round for, that they pay anything asked of them.

The last time I tried to clean it, the grime leapt up and slapped me on the face and screamed at me ” YOU IDIOT!!!! If you clean me off, it WILL fall apart!! ” .

I can’t put it on the side stand, as it is so bent that I would be better off just laying the bike straight on the ground to avoid any more scratches.

I have to ride it incredibly fast through Brixton because all the backfires sound like gunshots, and people (mistaking me for a one-man drive-by) start shooting at me in self-defence.

Seriously though, the bike is shit-hot and I love every minute I spend on it – you know its spec. But running a bike when you live inside ” Zone 2 ” in London, dodging the traffic, pedestrians and road works makes it seem a lot worse than it is. Thank God that He invented Wales!